About 12 Mis-Steps
“It is generally conceded but seldom investigated that 12-Step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous are beneficial, or at least, that they do no harm. What damage could there be in admitting you can’t control your drinking; in praying and meditating; or in making amends? However, follow the Twelve Steps to their logical conclusions, especially when combined with the folk wisdom of the program, and you’ll see a very different side of AA, particularly for trauma survivors.”
– K’ai Roberts Fu
In her talk and upcoming book, 12 Mis-Steps: How Twelve-Step Programs Trip Up Trauma Survivors, speaker and author K’ai Roberts Fu contends that 12-Step Programs such as AA are worse than neutral as a recovery option for trauma survivors, especially survivors of sexual abuse. She maintains that AA is likely to make the mental and emotional state of trauma survivors much worse of over time – not in spite of, but because of, AA’s foundational principles.
About the Talk
Twelve-Step meetings are typically seen as a force for good – either as an adjunct to therapy or as a standalone support group – with no serious drawbacks except predictably terrible coffee.
Drawing on her personal experience as a trauma survivor who spent over a decade attending meetings, sociologist, speaker, and author K’ai Roberts Fu challenges this view.
In this dynamic, thought-provoking, and surprisingly humorous session, K’ai shares her insider’s perspective to reveal how 12-Step programs such as AA, EA, and Al-Anon may ultimately do more harm than good, especially for trauma survivors.
In this session, you’ll discover:
- How 12-Step programs can derail progress in trauma recovery
- Which steps, specifically, can be most counterproductive for survivors
- How the 12-Step focus on “surrendering your will” can interfere with developing agency and decision-making skills
- Why the celebrated “social support” at meetings may be more trouble than it’s worth, especially for survivors of sexual abuse
You will walk away with a clear understanding of why 12-Step programs may not be the best solution for everyone; and actionable tips you can use to help clients, loved ones – or even yourself – “deprogram” from The Program.
See clips from K’ai’s interview on the Staying Power podcast
“The Dark Side of Twelve-Step Programs”
How the Program Discourages Therapy and Psychiatric Medication
No Training, No Requirements for Leadership or Sponsorship
Listen to the full Staying Power Podcast! Click the photo for link.
About the Book
A combination Michael Moore exposé and Hannah Gadsby’s “Ten Steps to Nanette,” but with more Argentine tango, 12 Mis-Steps, the book, is for trauma survivors – in or out of 12-Step programs – who are still looking for resources and answers that work for them.
It’s for marginalized people who’ve been funneled into the Program and know the last thing we need is to be told we are more powerless than we already feel.
It’s for therapists, family, and friends looking for new ways to help clients and loved ones when the old ways have failed.
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Advance Praise for “12 Mis-Steps,” the book
This fascinating, funny and—at times—disquieting memoir is a must read for family and friends of those who have been through trauma, therapists who work with them, and all AA and NA members.
The author pulls the reader into her story to witness the harm that traditional 12-step programs can cause to survivors of childhood trauma, yet balances the heavy events with her light tone and humorous observations.
This is a needed book for trauma survivors, as well a clear wake-up call for change from therapists.
Nancy Linnerooth
Harvard Law School, JD 1988
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist, Washington State
Navigating experiences that are raw and vulnerable, K’ai brings a wit and edge of dark humor to highlight the damaging aspects of traditional 12-step programs on trauma survivors.
This book takes on many of the frameworks that hold people back. By sharing her journey, K’ai presents a story that’s part research and data, part lived experience, with a splash of pragmatic optimism.
Through her compelling approach, K’ai’s story prioritizes the importance of taking back one’s power, autonomy, and agency rather than relinquishing control (once again) to an external force that lacks accountability.
Jen O’Ryan, PhD
Chief Strategist and Founder, Double Tall Consulting
Author of “Inclusive AF” and “What’s Behind Your Brand?”
This is an important and powerful book that should start a long-overdue conversation about (and within) twelve-step programs about their potential to harm survivors of trauma.
Anyone – no matter their views about such programs – will benefit greatly from reading and considering Kai’s story.
Dr. JD Wyneken
Certified Human Potential Coach
Radio/Podcast Host
Ph.D. Historian
Kai is represented by Victress Literary Agency.
Please contact Victress for more information and publishing inquiries.
K’ai’s Story
A survivor of complex trauma, I was on the verge of suicide for years. I’d been in therapy since I was sixeen and gone to 12-step meetings almost daily since I was twenty. Regardless of these efforts, my anxiety, flashbacks, and despair just got worse.
One day, sitting through yet another AA meeting, twelve year sobriety chip in hand, it dawned on me that the program itself was damaging to me as a trauma survivor. I walked out and never went back.
I decided to forge a new path. For two years, I struggled on my own. Then I met Dr. Cohen, a brilliant and controversial therapist, when he sauntered into the Argentine tango class I taught. Just when I was making significant progress in our therapy sessions, he died unexpectedly. Cohen’s death left me terrified I would regress, Flowers-for-Algernon style, to how I’d been before our work together.
While battling that fear – and with little outside support – I had to learn to trust my own mind again. I needed to make major changes to the life I’d accepted under the influence of the 12-step program: abusive partner, intellectual famine, emotional isolation and all. And I had to do it quickly, before the misery of my daily existence overwhelmed my newly found desire to live.
I succeeded.
Twenty years after leaving the program, I’ve built a life for myself that is richer than I could have imagined. I am ready to tell my story, and to challenge AA’s reputation as an unequivocal force for good.
Through my lived experience and through research, I show how AA and its associated programs (EA, NA, Al-Anon, and on and on) are potentially damaging to trauma survivors. I demonstrate why the program is likely to make the mental and emotional state of survivors worse over time because of its foundational principles and core messaging: You are powerless. You are crazy. You cannot help yourself. And I dispute specifically AA’s claim that if their way doesn’t work for someone, it’s the individual who is at fault, not the program.
About K’ai
K’ai Roberts Fu is a keynote speaker and the author of 12 Mis-Steps: How Twelve-Step Programs Trip Up Trauma Survivors.
K’ai is a graduate of the internationally acclaimed Heroic Public Speaking’s Performance Mastery program. She presents a keynote talk, workshops, and in-depth Q&A sessions on the potentially problematic intersection of trauma recovery and 12-Step programs. Psychotherapy professionals, addiction counselors, and trauma survivors will all benefit from K’ai’s insights, research, and lived experience.
A Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Washington University in St. Louis with a BA in sociology, K’ai won a prestigious leadership award at WUSTL for her work on sexual abuse prevention and recovery. She is a member of American Mensa.
Her post-college adventures have included a year of automotive tech school, 20 years as an Argentine Tango professional, and 12 years (ending in 2002) sitting in church basements talking about powerlessness while drinking truly reprehensible coffee.
In addition to writing and public speaking, K’ai currently works as a video editor and production manager.
K’ai lives in the Pacific Northwest – renowned for its amazing coffee and freedom of expression. In her leisure time she can be found working out, writing, gardening, traveling with her spouse, and reading anything that might give her an advantage playing “Jeopardy!”